Call It A "Vacation" If You Call It Anything

Hey, kids! I'm going to be going on, shall we say, a "sabbatical" for a while, so don't expect to read any new posts until after Thanksgiving 2009. I appreciate the emails expressing your concern (even the one calling me a "no-posting ass prick" - It means so much to me.), but don't worry. Everything's fine, even if presently unstable. So, I'll be back after November is almost over. Try not to miss me too much.

W.W.J.Really.D?

Jesus is my role model. He is what I strive to be as a man. Lots of people walk around spouting the line and urging us to ask "What would Jesus do?" Yet, most of these people don’t stop to truly ponder the answer to this question.

Jesus preached love. What’s more, He didn’t just preach it; He acted on it. Many of His so-called followers forget that His message and His activities weren’t popular during His lifetime. Remember how His story ends?

So, I ask myself, when looking to His example for guidance, "What would Jesus really do?" And I try to answer from an honest interpretation of His life and His teachings. What would Jesus do?

Jesus would preach against "good works" if they were only done for show. Jesus would kick over the tables of the money changers and chase ‘em out of the temple with a whip. Jesus would turn water into wine to keep the party going.

That’s what Jesus would do. That’s my Jesus.

Happy Easter!

Soda & Drugs & Rock n' Roll

I kind of like that Pepsi commercial that uses the Who’s "My Generation" as its score. I must admit it’s pretty good, entertaining and all that. At least as much as a television commercial can be if you can get past the fact that they’re trying to reshape culture into commerce. (Oh, surviving members of Led Zeppelin, it truly has been a long time since you rock n’ rolled.)

But, the commercial transcends itself and works on so many levels, especially so by highlighting the examples set by the lives of Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, and John Entwistle. Keith Moon is the only one who died before he got old.

Of course, John Entwistle does get rock n’ roll points for going out from a cocaine overdose. He and Ike Turner both showed these youngsters how you do it. When you kick, you do it with coke in your system.

None of this namby-pamby heroin shit that made a resurgence back in the 90s. What is this, 1974? That is so Sid Vicious.

So, it’s good to see that old Brit Invasion anthem extolling this new generation to be young, have fun, and drink Pepsi while at the same time reinforcing that coke is the real thing. That’s the kind of spirit we could stand to see more of.

However it all shakes out, I’m sure that we’ll see the kids are alright.

How To Draw

. . . or Opiate Of The Masses, Here I Come

Maybe I should stop reading. All it does is expand my mind and make me see things more clearly. Not that that, in itself, is a bad thing. I quite enjoy encompassing more knowledge than I previously held at any given moment in time.

But as I expand and stretch closer towards the horizon I am pulled further away from the center. I am losing touch with my fellow man. The more I see, in comparison with the unenlightened man, the less I have in common with him.

And seeing as how I have chosen to live in a society of common men, it would be of no great assist in my journey through this life were I to become more and more radically uncommon. It might lead to greater self-satisfaction, but it most certainly will add to a level of grief concerning interaction with my fellow human earth-travelers, on their part and mine.

No, if anything, I should be trying to dull my senses if I am to get back in touch with my fellow man. Although they have somewhat slowed it, even organized religion and acceptance of the laws of my home nation have been insufficient to entirely stunt my growth.

I should probably just give in and watch more television.

How To Cook A Turkey

. . . or All Money Ain’t Good Money

Any good thing that is introduced to the public at large quickly deteriorates. Entropy exists. The universe and all natural systems within it tend toward decay. Without controls set in place to prevent it, that is just what will happen to all organizations, industries, and endeavors.

Specifically, in this instance, I refer to the business plan of many businesses to seek patronage from everyone indiscriminately. All money ain’t good money. That is why organizations like Borders and reddit have gone to the dogs; because they let anyone in.

Well, when you welcome everyone and spend your time trying to please them all, that means that you are devoting as much time and energy to preserving the detrimental sectors as the beneficial ones. Thus you are creating more problems for yourself while at the same time weakening your ability to solve them. Cancer left unchecked spreads, and it does so at the liability of its host.

So, how do you prevent this from happening? Well, you don’t entirely. Everything falls apart. It’s only a matter of time. But with proper foresight that amount of time can be lengthened, and history will judge you kindly for it. It will be a testament to your design how long a thing stands before it crumbles.

The key lies in offending customers, but only a select few. Turn away business that will be bad for business. This is how systems like Amazon.com & eBay have seemingly grown unchecked without suffering the scourge of catering to the lowest common denominator. Because their growth has not been unchecked.

Every opportunity to make a buck has been checked, balanced, weighed, and measured. And if the cost in time, manpower, and the loss of other opportunities to earn that one buck is five, then that dollar is declined. "Please spend that money with my competition," its owner is kindly told. And sure enough, there will be some bonehead who doesn’t know any better to take that customer in.

You’ve got to strengthen your system’s growth through cultivation. If someone is a fuck-up, they get weeded out.

Someone on your message board flaming and submitting bullshit? Pluck him out and let him express his freedom of speech elsewhere.

A customer is taking advantage of a lenient return policy? Refuse that customer’s business.

If they get offended and tell their friends such, so much the better for you. They are unintentionally warning away their peers. After all, most of the people with whom they associate are likely to be deadbeats as well. Birds of a feather flock together, so scare that flock of crows into someone else’s cornfield.

In simple, do not try to appeal to everyone. Be selective to whom you turn your attentions. Elsewise invite your own destruction.

How To Lose Weight

. . . or Where There’s Smoke . . .

So, I went out for one last glimpse of the Knoxville flavor I’ve been hearing so much about. (Yeah, right.)

I go to the Tomato Head to get a lamb sausage pizza and get talked into the Andouille sausage pizza instead.

While I’m waiting for it to cook up, I stroll around the corner to Downtown Wine & Spirits where I got a half-pint of Jack and a crappy bottle of Pinot noir yesterday. While I’m on my way there I pass a blind alley, dark as a well, and the kind tourists are most definitely supposed to avoid. Which, of course, means: "Time to go exploring!"

Then I think about Mrs. Zilla and how pissed off at me she would be just for thinking about going down that alley. So, I keep on trucking around the corner. And whaddayaknow? Are liquor stores open on Sundays in Tennessee? I don’t know, but it sure looks like it because the lights are on and there are people busying themselves inside.

Sadly, I guess they close early because the three people behind the locked door seem to be shutting down for the evening. So, I head back to the Tomato Head to pick up my pizza in a bit of a foul mood . . . until I pass that blind alley.

What the hell? I could use a motherfucker jumping out of the shadow for me to take some aggression out on after that liquor store disappointment. As I saunter down the corridor of blackened doorways and graffiti, my first thought is how pissed Mrs. Zilla would be at me if I got killed on this trip.

So, I’m keeping an eye out for danger, hoping for some, when I notice through a plate glass window a bunch of boho negroes in a hipster loft watching a big screen. - Okay.

Then I see a cardboard sign asking people not to use the restroom in the doorway. - Huh?

Then, deeper into the alley, a motion-controlled light in a vestibule pops on as I pass by. - WTF?

This isn’t dangerous at all. Then I get it. This is where the fucking hipsters live downtown to feel trendy. This is no dark, dangerous, dead man’s alley. This is a gentrification corridor for college kids. What a disappointment.

The most dangerous thing I came across was a graffiti bug throwing up a tag in spray paint. I think I startled him more than he did me. I waved him on his way and exited the alley back out into Market Square to pick up my pizza.

How To Make Money

. . . or A Challenge

I just made a realization about myself. Epiphanies have such a way of shaking you up because so many of them elicit competing reactions. There is the elation of attaining vital, new knowledge but the startling discomfort that comes with realizing you went so long working without a net because you didn’t have this information.

Sort of like someone telling you, after you’ve swum in a bayou, that it is rife with alligators. Retroactive fear. Regardless, what I came to realize this morning is having a similar effect on me.

It’s something that I’ve never contemplated before about myself, the rest of the world, and my place in it. I am relatively successful. I am actually (in the true sense of the word) successful because I am pleased with myself, but my relative success is based on my rates of accomplishment in comparison to others.

My success rates are high. I deliver. And I do it big. I was always under the impression that this was due to my capability and my attitude. I am strong, smart, eager, and tenacious. Therefore, those attributes are what have propelled me to succeed.

And that’s true, but only partially. It’s entirely true, but there’s more to the story. My achievements are not only fueled by my high level of self-confidence. They are also allowed by the low self-confidence of others.

And I’m talking about self-confidence, not self-esteem. There is a big difference between liking yourself and trusting yourself. Sometimes I hate myself, but never do I falter in my belief that I can conquer any obstacle I come across.

I don’t think that there’s anything that I can’t do. If it can be done, I can do it. I realize what a great and capable individual I am. Most other people don’t. They don’t know what is possible for them if they only work to get it.

Or they really believe that they can’t make it even if they try. They believe that the circumstances of life are stronger than they are, so they don’t go for it. That is the, until now, unrealized aspect of the secret to my success. I have virtually no competition!

Nobody is going after what I’m going after, so it’s mine for the taking. If more people realized what they could have if they only believed it, it would blow their minds. But they don’t believe so they go for the silver instead of the gold.

The fiercest competition is for the mediocre. Everybody goes for that. We all want to fuck a 10, but most of us only have enough confidence to shoot for a 6, which leaves me the pick of the top 4. That makes it more likely for me to fuck an 8 than for you to even get a 7.

The closer to the middle a goal is the more people you will have clamoring for it. Most people are not unemployed. Neither are most people CEOs. Most people are wage slaves trying to fuck over other wage slaves in order to keep their skinny little slices of the pie.

That’s the scary part. I always knew that there had to be people out there who could give me a run for my money. I just wondered where they were.

They’re out there cowering in a corner scared to come out and play. If they ever realize what they’re capable of, then they could give me a run for my money. I might actually have to start working for it.

That means I wouldn’t win as often. But that might also mean that the victories I will achieve would be sweeter. I’d like that, to actually feel that I’m winning what is mine instead of always just taking candy from babies.

If more people had the balls to be me, we might make some real progress as a society, or at least have a few more fulfilled people walking around.

So, I dare you to take me out. Do a better job than I can. Give me some competition. I dare ya’! I double dare you!!

All it takes is the will to do what the other guy won’t. I will. You won’t.

C’mon, bitches. I dare you.